In my last post I shared about my vivid daydream of life in Russia before my initial arrival. I have also been thinking over a phrase that was common to my thought back in those days. My husband and I often talked together and with others about our desire to eventually  “become Russian.” This phrase “becoming Russian” was birthed out of the desire to follow Paul’s example of becoming all things to all people for the sake of soul salvation. It came from a willingness to leave what is comfortable and adopt what is foreign because God had called us to it. It was based in some good desires, but I wouldn’t say that I have the same vision today for what it looks like to live as a successful missionary.

In my hometown of Seattle at Pike Place Market

Upon arrival, I quickly learned that a person from one culture being dropped into another doesn’t spontaneously undergo some sort of culture osmosis with the concentration of cultures eventually flowing in or out to make a of perfect cultural balance. I must have somewhat expected the American-ness to just flow right out of me when it was not culturally valued or fitting, and the Russian-ness to just flow right in where needed. I didn’t fully anticipate going through painful transplant surgery when I needed to learn how to be more Russian. Having to adjust to the Russian concept of time and commitment, for example, felt like just such a transplant. I am still not sure that the transplant has taken because I continue to fight off feelings of anger and frustration when I am left waiting alone at a cafe or when someone calls at the last minute to tell me that they aren’t coming over when I’ve worked hard to clean the house and prepare a dessert for tea.

And besides the little petty things like our concept of time, or sense of fashion (though I have to admit that Russian fashion is growing on me), there are more significant values at my very core that I simply cannot will myself to forsake. I believe now that some of these things are essential to who God has created me to be over the course of my upbringing and are worth preserving.

After a time of struggling through my desire to fit in but feeling wrong about tossing aside my own culture, and with the help of some good discussion with friends who never even considered the idea of wanting to “become Russian” (and not at all because they don’t love Russia), I came to understand more that I don’t have to trade one culture for the other in order to love Russia and Russians, or even to gain a good cultural understanding.

What a simple and freeing thought that was, as I often felt quite out of place and just plain different, especially in that first year or so! In my circle of missionary friends, we often toss around the phrase “not wrong, just different” in order to keep ourselves from criticizing the culture in which we live (a very important view to have in a lot of circumstance, in my opinion), but I see how this phrase absolutely relates to me as an American living in another culture as well. Just because I am not made up of the same cultural core material, my difference is not necessarily wrong!

With this freedom, I feel more able to seek simply to love Russia, to learn about Russian culture, to seek to understand the Russian mindset and be able to filter things through a new understanding, but I can let myself off of the hook a bit and enjoy and celebrate my American-ness, even in the moments where I feel a bit more different than I’d like.

Much to my own surprise, as I’ve allowed myself to enjoy the process of learning about my host culture rather than pressuring myself “become Russian,”  God has allowed cultural adaptation to start feeling a lot more like natural osmosis and much less like transplant surgery. Some parts of my American culture that don’t serve me well here  can gradually be put aside, even if just for a time,  and after awhile, aspects of Russian culture have become more normal and often preferable for life here.  I don’t expect to become 100% Russian, but my love for and understanding of Russia and Russians is ever growing, and seeing this continue is my new goal and desire.

My common attire during the cold Russian winters

How have you viewed your own cultural difference in light of your host culture? Have you felt a desire to become more like your host culture? Has this been a difficult process? Have you resisted adopting aspects of your host culture or struggled to keep a “not wrong, just different” attitude?  How about experiences with becoming overly critical of your own home culture after learning to love your new one?

(Post by: Ashley)

I remember my daydream years back before our little family had moved to Russia. I had spent a summer in Russia previously, but I really had no idea what life here would be like, and especially life as a family with a baby. Being the optimist that I am, despite the worries of leaving family and familiarity, my imaginary future life was bright and vivid. I can still see the crisp image in my mind of the home that I imagined I would have, and the life that I would soon lead.

My quaint little imaginary home was bright and inviting with a little kitchen that opened up to our living room, perfect for frequent hospitality. The sun shone in the windows (really this was not as fanciful as it sounds since we were to move to southern Russia that is indeed quite sunny and bright), and I would sit there on the couch with my new Russian friends sipping tea out of little blue and white china tea cups, sharing deeply about our lives and talking about the gospel. I am not particularly prone to daydreaming, but for some reason this image remains vivid in my mind.

What a shock it was to enter our new apartment for the first time, dead exhausted in every way, and to walk into our dark, dingy flat late on that first night. I had always considered myself relatively adaptable, as does anyone planning to leave family and culture for the international mission field, but as my eyes beheld these first images of my new home, the tears defied my will to hold them back. The furniture and decor was all very dark, the ceilings were low, electrical sockets practically hung out of the wall, and the dirt was abundant. The windows of my tiny kitchen were on the dark side of the building  crossed with iron bars, and the dishes were chipped and mis-matching and not enough in number to create a set even for our little family of three, let alone containing a beautiful set of ornate blue and white tea cups.

And not only did the reality of my home contrast so sharply with the new Russian home of my daydream, but the reality of my new ministry was also just as strikingly different. I could hardly say, “Hello, my name is Ashley,” let alone have a heart-to-heart in Russian. And my supposed “natural language ability” proved to be quite circumstantial. This ability existed in a past life where I studied language for over 20 hours a week, without kids…. learning Chinese. Studying Russian a few hours a week with a baby did not pan out quite the same. Rarely did anyone come to sit on my couch for tea, let alone to hear the gospel, and I wondered how on earth I would ever be a thriving and fruitful missionary .

I remember the feelings of sadness, disappointment, frustration, and even hopelessness as I began this life that seemed far less beautiful or fruitful than I had daydreamed. I wondered and prayed if God would ever fill my living room with friends for tea and opportunities for the gospel, but honestly it seemed quite a long ways off. I was thrilled to love and serve my husband to enable him to have a fruitful ministry, but was there ever going to be an opportunity for me to really feel like I too was a part?

The memory of this daydream and the feelings that came so strongly after I first arrived in Russia are what made a gift that I received last night in my kitchen over tea with friends so incredibly special. My dearest Russian friend, not yet a believer but with whom God has blessed me with true friendship, many heart-to-heart talks over tea, and conversations about the gospel, brought me a set of lovely blue and white china tea cups. She had no idea about the little daydream of my past, so to receive these little cups, just like I had imagined, from such a truly dear friend, is such a vivid and perfect picture to me of the Lord’s amazing grace in my life here in Russia. He has provided friends, he has provided a ministry that even I with all of my limitations can do, and He has even provided the blue and white china tea cups to remind me of His grace. God didn’t have to do it that way to remind me of His plan and power and perfection, but how incredibly grateful I am for this special display of His love.

Do you remember your imaginary life on the field before you set foot in your new country? Does that image differ from the reality of the life that you stepped into? How has God shown you grace in this life that is perhaps not what you had expected, but all the same His perfect will?

(Post by: Ashley)

From Shilo, missionary to Paraguay currently on home assignment: What things have you given your ministry partners as thank you gifts?  Do you find that consumable gifts are best?  Or do you try to find something representative of your country of service?  If so, how do you find something that also suits American tastes of decorating and won’t just be put away into a closet somewhere?

(If you would like to pose a “Tuesday Topic” question, please email it to formissionarymoms@gmail.com . Provide your blog address if you would like to be linked to, and specify also if you would like to remain anonymous. Thanks!)

From Noelle in Kenya: I have been thinking about your post on being thankful for the simplicity of life on the mission field, and it has got me thinking about other things I am thankful for. I am thankful that we get to see wild animals all the time, so my daughter can learn their names and what they look like in person. I am thankful that I get to spend so much quality family time with my husband and daughter. I’m thankful that some things are much cheaper here: doctors, fruits & vegetables and nice restaurants. So, I’m wondering what other missionary moms are thankful for…?

(If you would like to pose a “Tuesday Topic” question, please email it to formissionarymoms@gmail.com . Provide your blog address if you would like to be linked to, and specify also if you would like to remain anonymous. Thanks!)